Life sucks.

It's been a while since I last posted anything. I think a lot has happened since then. But I can't even remember when it was. I got rejected from Oxford, but I might apply again next year. So I'm sort of stuck in a limbo where don't know whats gonna happen to the rest of my life. I've managed to sort of switch friend groups but only in school. I'm not involved out side of school. To be honest i don't have any real friends. I don't know if its just the circumstances I've been in or because of who I am. I'm getting depressed again; listening to too much folk rock. But then there's the truth of the matter; I'm not happy. In a long prevaling sense of it. I go to school, I do my work, I smile, I laugh, I pass the time with tv, I aspire to own things that I think will suddenly make my life better but at the end of it I'm alone. In myself, I have no one who gets me, no one to call and tell when something great happens. And i never have. I can't even see an end to this. A year off, I'll be by myself more or with people who aren't like me. I'll assimilate and try to fit in but it'll be a lie. And I have to find the right university or I'll blow my last chance to find some really great friends. What scares me is getting it wrong. And even if I don't get it wrong what about those months when I'm back at home? I'll still have no one. The sad thing is my life would be great if I had even one true friend just to hand out with. It's valentines day today. I try not to think about it too much, I have no one not even a friend to love. There's a school party in town, but with no friends to go with, to get ready with, to dance with, to drink with, to go home with, to look after to look after me when we've drunk too much, its too painful. Its just a reminder of everything I'm not and cannot be. I have reason it seems to drink, to forget, but I hate it. I haven't up to this point so I cannot take it in large amounts. That makes me look like a prat when I try. I'm just accutely aware of myself compared to eveyone else when at a party. They're all having fun, but I just can't let go.
Sometimes I have moments of clarity when I want to slap myself for such self-obsessed moaning. I have lot's to be thankful for and its only my pessimistic attitude which makes me unhappy. But then again I'm eighteen and can only think of perhaps one year since primary school in which I have truly felt happy and accepted. That sucks. Maybe just in a small teenage way but it does suck.