Oxford

It's a saturday, my day off, and i'm writing my personal statement. Again. It's so hard to put into delicately eloquent words why I want to study ppe at oxford. I know there is a perfectly good reason somewhere I just don't really know what it is yet. There is so much that I want to convey and so much I have to say but I cannot put it into words why they should pick me. I can honestly say there is very little that i have ever wanted in life more than my desire to get into oxford to study ppe. There is something about this subject, or these subjects, that has just caught my imagination in almost every area that interests me. I have always taken a keen interest in world affairs and have always been a bit of a cynic. But just the tasters I've had of actually studying politics have shown me that the world as it seems to us lay people is entirely different and so much more complicated than we could ever imagine. Economics itself, in such a turbulent time, is a field which has such a fundemental effect on all areas of our lives and our happiness. I never really considered philosophy as a real subject until i started reading philosophy books. Being a vegetarian I had always just felt that kiling animals for meat was in someway fundementally wrong. I couldn't explain it I just knew it. That is i suppose what philosophers would call my conscience or my basic moral code. But now I see that there are such massive questions out there that philosophy can help to solve or at least to explore in greater depth. Can anyone even defend animal rights now? Some say no. It's so infuriating to know how much this interests me but not be able to say it right. Grrr.

"Jesus Christ founded His empire upon love; and at this hour millions of men would die for Him."

El presente se vive de repente accidente premanente. Como una raya en el mar. Saber nadar. ...improvisar... ...de roca en roca... ...hasta laultima ola. ...sin dejarse llevar... El presente es siempre differente.
A lo peor... mas horas delante de computadoras... ...no me quejo... ...me engancho!
...Estoy bien... algo más cuerdo que nunca... ...me parece... ...o sera que ya estoy totalmente loca? No lo so!!! A lo mejor si. A lo peor también..
Cuentame algo... Donde estas? Qué haces? Espero que maravillas! Dime algo suena con la trompeta... ...cuentame la verbena... Pintame un viaje... 4 caminos 5 destinos...
...Vivelo intensamente....

Life sucks.

It's been a while since I last posted anything. I think a lot has happened since then. But I can't even remember when it was. I got rejected from Oxford, but I might apply again next year. So I'm sort of stuck in a limbo where don't know whats gonna happen to the rest of my life. I've managed to sort of switch friend groups but only in school. I'm not involved out side of school. To be honest i don't have any real friends. I don't know if its just the circumstances I've been in or because of who I am. I'm getting depressed again; listening to too much folk rock. But then there's the truth of the matter; I'm not happy. In a long prevaling sense of it. I go to school, I do my work, I smile, I laugh, I pass the time with tv, I aspire to own things that I think will suddenly make my life better but at the end of it I'm alone. In myself, I have no one who gets me, no one to call and tell when something great happens. And i never have. I can't even see an end to this. A year off, I'll be by myself more or with people who aren't like me. I'll assimilate and try to fit in but it'll be a lie. And I have to find the right university or I'll blow my last chance to find some really great friends. What scares me is getting it wrong. And even if I don't get it wrong what about those months when I'm back at home? I'll still have no one. The sad thing is my life would be great if I had even one true friend just to hand out with. It's valentines day today. I try not to think about it too much, I have no one not even a friend to love. There's a school party in town, but with no friends to go with, to get ready with, to dance with, to drink with, to go home with, to look after to look after me when we've drunk too much, its too painful. Its just a reminder of everything I'm not and cannot be. I have reason it seems to drink, to forget, but I hate it. I haven't up to this point so I cannot take it in large amounts. That makes me look like a prat when I try. I'm just accutely aware of myself compared to eveyone else when at a party. They're all having fun, but I just can't let go.
Sometimes I have moments of clarity when I want to slap myself for such self-obsessed moaning. I have lot's to be thankful for and its only my pessimistic attitude which makes me unhappy. But then again I'm eighteen and can only think of perhaps one year since primary school in which I have truly felt happy and accepted. That sucks. Maybe just in a small teenage way but it does suck.

Anger Management

Okay so I have a problem with my temper but its really not my fault because I live with such annnoying and infuriating people I really could hurt them sometimes :[ I swear
The one in my wrath path atm is my dear eldest sister Katey. Such is her nature that every slight ailment or flush in her cheeks must be the plague. She is so melodramatic I just want to kick her several times - hard! But no ones sees this as a problem or they take the 'she's 22 there's nothing we can do' line of argument. But honestly she still lives at home and eats our food and expects mum to do her washing so why shouldn't she abide by the household rules or at least by social norms. This has been annoying me for quite a long times - we quite often playfully dispute and she quite often pokes me. I take it quite amicably and poke her back. She consequently rushes off in agony to protest to our mother (she also happens to be the biggest snitch of all times - no you never grow out of it) Now I'm no hulk - I can't be doing that much more damage than her. The difference is that I can take it, if someone pokes me perhaps it stings minorly for a few seconds - at most a minute. That sort of pain is like a bee sting compared to a bullet wound. How can she get away with crying murder at every last poke when I don't even complain? That's just the start.
She likes my other sister better than me. That I have known for quite a while as well. She sometimes like to bitch about how she's mums favourite (not really true) but on the whole she prefers Harriet to me. She talks to her more, goes out with her more etc. I know we live together so we do happen to go out more than she does with Harriet but trust me thats more because she has an incability to go anywhere on her own than pure choice. As soon as Harriet came home from University it was goodbye to our time. When anything big happens - she tells Harriet. She had a story to tell and we had to wait for Harriet before she would tell it. But we didn't have to wait for me. Oh know, as soon as I left for a shower and Harriet appeared it was oh well I can tell it now. And when later on I asked her about it all she could say was I'm so tired of telling this story I can't be bothered. Oh well thanks for that and how many times had she recalled this story that meant she couldn't stand even the thought of the words? Only about once.
So now she's seeing this guy and she's way too sick to go out with him so he has to come here. Joy. And een better she comes into my room attacks me and then announces that I am not allowed in the playroom because he is coming over. Fair enough, I thought, its only fair the visitor gets to spend the time in the room. But hang on a minute I didn't say asked I said told. She is no more owner of this house than me and she tells me that I can't have the room? Now I will have to spend the night being subjected to Foyle's f***ing War.
And then there's her mothering complex. Just because she's four years older than me she thinks she can order me round this house. She'll just tell me to do anything and then reproach me for not doing it. I'm like funny you don't look like my mother? And then she''l turn round and say respect your elders?! Okay a well respected phrase but seriously? The Bible only says honour they parents but just those people older than you? How so? I may only be 18 but does that mean I should show respect to all those people older than me? Even those people who sit around scamming off benefits only to shout slurs about f***ing foreigners? Do those sorts of people even deserve respect? In my book there are some people who deserve respect; parents teachers, old people (you can't screw with old people its cruel), priests etc but notice all those who are older than me... DO you think people younger than me respect me? No. So all those who don't automatically demand respect well they have to earn it. I respect some people because of the actions I have seen them do. Because of the things they have done for other people, for me and for themselves. But the fact that someone is born 4 years before me does not earn them my respect. So when someone argues with me and then finishes with 'respect your elders' well they succeed only in lighting a touchpaper under my temper. It's like the person who ends an argument with 'because I said so.' It is argumentively weak and nothing makes me angrier then a person who thinks themselves above people in such a manner.
Apart from perhaps when someone interrupts me to tell me I'm not listening. But that is for another rant.

Quiz

BASICS

Name: Ellie Calvert

Sex: Female

Age: 18

Hair Colour: Reddish and brown in places

Eye Colour: Greyish blue

Heritage: Both parents english but consider mysefl welsh

Siblings: 2 older sisters.

Nicknames: Eebies, Minkle, Beast, Kiki

Birthday: 6th September

Righty or Lefty? Righty

Favourites
Colour: Blue

Food: Fish and Chips

Flavour of Crisps: Steak and Onion

Boy Name: Asher

Animal: Cheetah

Cartoon: Futurama

Number: 37 or 496

Country: South Africa

Day of the week: Wednesday

Have You Ever

Lied: Yes

Done Something You Regret: Plenty of times - usually something I've said

Smiled for no reason: yes

Laughed so hard you cried: Yeah all the time - mainly at mymum

Sang to someone for no reason: er no

Been in a car accident: actually no - my mum and my sister have tho

Run into a wall: Not that i can remember but probably

Cried over a movie: Oh all the time

Been out of state: Sure

Walk in the rain without an umbrella: yeah usually cos I've forgotten mine

Opposite Sex

What Do You Notice First: height

Best Eye Color: Brown

Best Hair Color: Black

Short Or Long Hair: Either really

Best Height: taller than me

Best Weight: I like both skinny guys and well built guys

Best Clothing Style: smart/indie

Hot or Cute: Hot

Just Some Last Questions

Do You Wish You Were Younger: Sometimes...

Do You Have A Secret: YES

Do you believe in god? Yes

Do you speak another language: Yes - some spanish

Are you confident: Nope not even a little bit

Are you a daredevil: no

What's your biggest fear: Death, flying, heights, scary films...

Long Time No Blog

God I'm awful at this. It was like almost a month ago that I last wrote on here. Summer is now officially over and for those of you in Britain like me I think we missed it anyway. All it did was rain. For three days in Prague it was really sunny and then it RAINED! Prague was pretty awesome though. Its an amazing city and one of the places that I have always wanted to go. It feels like such a romantic place to live. Plus the beer is incredibly cheap. Although people who have been to Prague will tell you it used to be a lot cheaper! I'm back in school now and I'm officially an adult, I can drink, I can vote, I can buy porn, I can gamble, I can work in bars, I can get tatoos etc and I will probably be doing none of these. I should vote but I can't really as I don't believe in any of the parties at the moment, they are all self-serving and have bad aims for the country. I got three a's and a b in my exams. Although I found out I was only two percent away from an A in Spanish... gutting. Unlike most people I am continuing with four A levels so I can expect a lot of work to be getting on with. Maybe that will shock me out of being lazy. The only thing I hate more that actually having to do work is failing and doing badly. Back at school only three days and already I hate it. I feel on the outside, not part of this school. Not part of any friendship groups. That sucks right? If you're interested my orchestra got through to play in the Royal Albert Hall. I can't wait! But already my parents have started they're annual nag-athon. My mum is nagging me about getting more driving lessons but I can't help it if the thought of getting into another car and driving makes me want to gouge out my eyes? Thats not my fault is it? I'm just trying to stall her. My dad is nagging me about getting a job. I am trying but nowhere will hire me because I have no work experience. My dad thinks I should ring places up and ask them about the status of my application but I have a serious dislike for confrontation and the idea of that makes me feel physically sick. It's just not polite is it?
So long for now

I'm so tired

It's thursday. It's the second week of my summer holidays and already I'm bored. Is that a teenager thing? I mean when we're in school all we do is moan about how much we hate school and then once the holidays come round, and we get long holidays, we're moaning again because we're bored. Or is this type of moaning specific to me and other losers like me? See if you have tons of friends the holidays mean going shopping, day trips, going camping, house parties and other general friendship gatherings. Therefore with a huge bunch of friends you don't get bored in the holidays. It must only be me.